Sunday, April 11, 2010

Tiger Tales

It’s been doing the rounds on TV. It’s been taking up a lot of space in the newspapers. It’s been widely thrown around on the internet too. We’ve been asked to talk about it, blog about it and maybe even make videos on it. And now, with utmost enthusiasm and dedication on the part of our vigilante reporters, we have discovered the truth. And it’s ugly and shocking. OK, maybe not as ugly or shocking as Rakhi Sawant. (Must Watch Video)

The disappearance of tigers has been a widely written, widely read issue of late. But what you’re about to read throws an entirely different light on it. Our reporters have gone to extreme lengths to bring out the hidden facts to you, and by the time you finish reading this, your world will never be the same.

1411. That’s what they keep saying. A figure that is less than the number of times Pamela Anderson’s got a surgery done to some part of her body. A figure that is less than the number of times Katrina Kaif has denied that she’s actually Salmaan Khan's girlfriend. A figure that is less than the number of times Shahrukh Khan says “I’m the best” per hour, to himself and to anyone who’d care to bother. A figure that is even shockingly lesser than the number of time Shoaib Malik has denied getting married to Maha/Ayesha “Aapa” and eventually going on to divorce someone he claimed he'd never married in the first place.

Shocked, outraged and not to mention, completely jobless, our reporters decided to get to the bottom of this and carried out a thorough investigation behind the rapid disappearance of our national animal. Putting our differences of caste, creed, religion and choice of IPL team aside, we joined hands to rationalize this irrational development.

The first phase of our study revealed that this downward trend started sometime around 2005, which is exactly the same year a movie was released with some of the best actors of our times. Sample this, Ajay “Golmaal” Devgun, Viveik “Prince” Oberoi, John “Jism” Abraham, Lara “Blue” Dutta and Esha “Kent” Deol in one big mishmash, fultoo timepass flick. Add a dash of Shahrukh “Verrry Smart” Khan, Malaika “Item” Arora & a bunch of tigers, just to blend in and you’ve a recipe for a popcorn munching, cola gulping marathon epic flick. Or so you might think.

In a surprising turn of events, our reporters got in touch with Mr. Shera Waghbakriwala, the world famous interpreter of the tiger language and what he has discovered is nothing short of disturbing. After studying the living, eating and mating habits of 933 tigers over a period of 6 years, he has arrived at some serious conclusions.

A record 670 tigers committed suicide after watching their sad and deprived portrayal in “Kaal”. Out of the 670, 450 did so intentionally by fasting themselves to death as a mean to protest against the outrageous movie and the other 200 did that because they were plain embarrassed to be tigers after what they witnessed. The other 20 just died because they couldn't stand Menaka Gandhi anymore.


Recent events have also shown the tigers to be depressed about life, given how they have now been associated with Tiger Woods, Shiv Sena, Kolkata Knight Riders, Om Shanti Om etc, giving them all the more reasons to kill themselves.

When contacted about this, Ajay had no comment to make as he was busy buying new sunglasses and flower print hawai shirts for his new “Golmaal” movie, which he said was a very different and “hat-ke” role than his previous "Golmaal" movies. The reporter couldn't supress his laughter and hence, had to leave.


Viveik Oberoi blamed Salmaan Khan, yet again for the sorry state of the sheep in India. When corrected and informed that the question was about tigers, he seemed non-perturbed and maintained that be it sheep/tigers/lizards/women/global warming, Salmaan Khan has been responsible for all of it. He wanted to say more things but it got difficult for him to take his foot out of his mouth. Literally.

John Abraham gave his shocked expression, which was the same as his happy expression, which was again like his angry expression, showing his splendid acting skills and maintained that he trusts only performance that he can measure and gave the reporter a skin whitening cream and offered to give a pair of his yellow undies, clearly showing a lot of "Dostana" to him, after which the reporter had nothing more to ask him.

Lara Dutta didn’t remember ever doing a movie called "Kaal". Just like she didn’t remember when the reporter asked her about Kelly Dorjee. On further probing, Lara however did admit that the Tigers in “Kaal” were "much more sensitive" and “far more touched by humans” than the Sharks in “Blue”, after which the reporter couldn’t help but giggle like a little girl and make a hasty exit.

Esha Deol had nothing to say apart from reiterating that maybe tigers were dying from drinking impure water. Hardly had she finished saying those words when her mom and sister appeared from nowhere and offered the reporter a glass of Kent RO purified mineral water. The reporter tried to wriggle out of the situation but the Deol family i.e Dharmendra, Sunny and Bobby stood blocking the way, holding hockey sticks, in good Punjabi spirit obviously. Abhay Deol wanted to be there, but he was away shooting yet another independent, pretentious arty film which no one cares about anyway.


Shahrukh Khan took the news very seriously and instantly tweeted to his followers to stop using Tiger balm as he was of the understanding that Tigers were used to produce it. When explained the entire fiasco, he did a “Rizwan Khan” and quoted from the movie, “I’m verrrrrrrry smart.”


The reporter tried his best to get in touch with Malaika Arora about this, but she was away shooting yet another item number in some obsolete film. Arbaaz Khan offered to speak for her but the reporter, obviously having some self respect, chose not to listen.


Aamir Khan and Mahesh Bhatt had something to say about this, but since this is not the first time they’ve had something to say, even though it may have nothing to do with them and this will definitely not be the last time, the reporter promptly ignored them too.


Last but not the least, the reporter went to the producer of the film, Karan Johar and asked him how he felt about these shocking revelations. Karan sipped on his cup of coffee and said that he would remake “Kaal”, this time with Shahrukh Khan in multiple roles: as the hunter, the hunter’s love interest, the guide, the trees, the car as well as the tiger. He signed off with the parting words, “It’s all about loving your tigers.”

As you read, 17 more tigers have already committed suicide on hearing this. 

44 comments:

  1. HAHAHA.. Too Good. I wish you would have talked about tigers and terrorism in the karan johar para though. Keep em coming.

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  2. lol... but how did u spare abhishek bachchan??
    btw liked the new look of your blog!
    u should keep posting more often :-)

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  3. lol.. lol .lol. This is your best post. It was super funny. I loved it.

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  4. ha ha ha dude u nailed it.. vey funny..
    bro u need to get Tiger "Twin" Tales or somethin out with rest of the stars
    Shilpa , l.modi n all :P :P

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  5. awesome! another rizwan in the making i see! although i take offense for the abhay deol part.. he is THE dude dude! :)

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  6. @ Dishman: Suggestion duly noted. Shall be implemented at the earliest.

    @ Bhuvan: Abhishek Bacchan has been spared cause as we speak, i'm writing an entire post about him. :D

    @ Priyadarshini: Thanks for stopping by. And every smile counts :)

    @ Jatin: If I manage to get enough "dekhos"/ some more comments, i shalt follow this one up :)

    @ Everyone: Thanks for reading. IMMD.

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  7. @ Anonymous/I know who you are though: Thanks for reading :) As for Abhay Deol, if it helps, I'm a huge, huge fan too.
    This is just general poking at everyone. :) Keep reading :)

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  8. hahaha.. really good :D.. good beginning to my morning :)

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  9. @ Shreya: Thanks for reading :) Glad u liked it! Will try to write more often :)

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  10. @ Sesh: I Miss My Whale? :D :P

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  11. Brilliantly done!
    You might want to dedicate a whole post to our dear actor Vivek "prince" oberoi for his immense contribution to hindi "cinema" (!)

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  12. @ Payne: Thanks a lot :)

    @ Ankit: Thankage. I'd love to do a piece on our prince, but no amount of words could do justice to him, can they? :D Still a good attempt is the need of the hour :D

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  13. ha ha... outstanding :)

    and on a serious note. i dont understand just creating awareness and buzz around decreasing number of tigers, is really going to help is saving tigers ? i mean, if the same buzz is for street dogs, then its understood that we can directly participate in saving street dogs but how the hell we are supposed to save tigers !!! we are already not killing them in first place !

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  14. @ Darshak/Spectator: Thanks!! and lol. same here. i dont think the kinds who kill tigers are the kinds who read blogs/watch a lotta tv to get influenced by it or smthing neway. Its just a stupid CSR initiative on the part of Aircel to show how goody-two-shoes it is. :D

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  15. HAHAHAHA.. neat stuff. the connections are superb. btw there's another to the suicide list. Arbaaz Khan!

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  16. He he.. Nice read.. Loved esha deol para and the last line of course.. :)
    Added you on reader now.. So keep posting.. :)

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  17. @ Vinayak: Thanks for stopping by :) and another to the suicide list matlab? :)

    @ Hitesh: Thanks. Will try to be a lil more regular now :)

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  18. Dude that Tigers committing suicides thing was SUPER....ROTfL.....INSANE.....okay intially I was a li'l taken aback wondering since when did u become a tiger lover...but as it turned out...u didnt even spare the tigers..keep it up cheetey!!

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  19. @ Hamza & The Nomad/Chetan: Thanks a ton :) Keep reading :)

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  20. nicely written. take an office for a narrative next time, that wud be funnier :D

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. DUDE... way to go...
    this ws cool..
    nxt, please also share some revealing secrets about something intriguing like lalit modi being gay or raj thackrey having an affair with sonia gandhi or may be…. So muchs happening around man…
    excellent work... highly admirable and hilarious..

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  23. @ Abhinav: Nothing can be funnier than THE OFFICE setting :D

    @ Hari: Thanks man. Will update soon :) Keep reading/commenting :)

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  24. nice read. enjoyed the clips along with the reading material. :D

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  25. LOL ! i finally read it.. and u were right.. it is indeed arbit poking ! :P nonetheless awesomely funny :D
    and since i read it with an open mind as i was asked to (:P), i actually didnt mind the srk-poking bit at all :)

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  26. @ Sanjay: Thanks :)

    @ Shruti: Open mind is good :P and THanks for reading and commenting :) shall try to be more regular now :)

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  27. Been here.. done thatApril 13, 2010 at 2:11 PM

    LOL! so sad for abhay deol though !

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  28. it's a lovely post. esp the pics :)

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  29. LOL!! awesome stuff!! keep it going! ;) Guess you can write something about Salman "Veer" Khan also! ;)

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  30. arbit rape session 4 the johar jing bang is always welcomed. loved the sarcasm man good timepass. keep such stuff coming!!!!

    btw comments on abhay deol not cool!!! :)

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  31. @ Saurabh: Veer demands an entire blog, not just a post or a mere mention my friend :D but soon :)

    @ Shrikanth: THankage :)

    @ Nandita: lol

    @ Anish: Keep reading. and btw me huge abhay deol fan mostly. but as i said, this is arbit poking re :D
    Quoting from Gunda, "Mera naam hai Khotey, jo apne baap ke bhi nahi hotey." :D :D

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  32. Well done.. Kudos!! thank u and have a nice day...

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  33. first off, totally love the new look of ur blog
    and awesomely entertaining read :D
    esp loved the reporter's sensibilities
    waiting for the next one...

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  34. HEY.. awesome stuff!! initially i thgt u wr writing all serious stuff, but then i realised ashish doesnt go off track like tat!!!:) btw acc 2 a communtity on fb there r 1412 tigers- KKR captain being the 1412st.. include him also in story:):)

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  35. @ Nigil: :)

    @ Divya: The reporter/s wishes to thank you for the appreciation. :)

    @ Navya: How could you even think i'd write serious stuff! :P and keep reading. more shocking revelations on this page. soon. :D

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  36. :):):)
    Read it a week ago n now had to laugh again at the vivek oberoi para..faaave :D
    Keep blogging idiot :)
    N watch the traffic :P

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  37. :-) good work ashish! keep eet up and yeah, once u have some more of these u can start a dedicated blogsite like tht greatbong guy

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  38. Super duper fun!!! Awesome.. loved this one.

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  39. this is outrageous!! what a riot... hahahaha!!!

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