Tiger Tales

It’s been doing the rounds on TV. It’s been taking up a lot of space in the newspapers. It’s been widely thrown around on the internet too. We’ve been asked to talk about it, blog about it and maybe even make videos on it. And now, with utmost enthusiasm and dedication on the part of our vigilante reporters, we have discovered the truth. And it’s ugly and shocking. OK, maybe not as ugly or shocking as Rakhi Sawant. (Must Watch Video)

The disappearance of tigers has been a widely written, widely read issue of late. But what you’re about to read throws an entirely different light on it. Our reporters have gone to extreme lengths to bring out the hidden facts to you, and by the time you finish reading this, your world will never be the same.

1411. That’s what they keep saying. A figure that is less than the number of times Pamela Anderson’s got a surgery done to some part of her body. A figure that is less than the number of times Katrina Kaif has denied that she’s actually Salmaan Khan's girlfriend. A figure that is less than the number of times Shahrukh Khan says “I’m the best” per hour, to himself and to anyone who’d care to bother. A figure that is even shockingly lesser than the number of time Shoaib Malik has denied getting married to Maha/Ayesha “Aapa” and eventually going on to divorce someone he claimed he'd never married in the first place.

Shocked, outraged and not to mention, completely jobless, our reporters decided to get to the bottom of this and carried out a thorough investigation behind the rapid disappearance of our national animal. Putting our differences of caste, creed, religion and choice of IPL team aside, we joined hands to rationalize this irrational development.

The first phase of our study revealed that this downward trend started sometime around 2005, which is exactly the same year a movie was released with some of the best actors of our times. Sample this, Ajay “Golmaal” Devgun, Viveik “Prince” Oberoi, John “Jism” Abraham, Lara “Blue” Dutta and Esha “Kent” Deol in one big mishmash, fultoo timepass flick. Add a dash of Shahrukh “Verrry Smart” Khan, Malaika “Item” Arora & a bunch of tigers, just to blend in and you’ve a recipe for a popcorn munching, cola gulping marathon epic flick. Or so you might think.

In a surprising turn of events, our reporters got in touch with Mr. Shera Waghbakriwala, the world famous interpreter of the tiger language and what he has discovered is nothing short of disturbing. After studying the living, eating and mating habits of 933 tigers over a period of 6 years, he has arrived at some serious conclusions.

A record 670 tigers committed suicide after watching their sad and deprived portrayal in “Kaal”. Out of the 670, 450 did so intentionally by fasting themselves to death as a mean to protest against the outrageous movie and the other 200 did that because they were plain embarrassed to be tigers after what they witnessed. The other 20 just died because they couldn't stand Menaka Gandhi anymore.


Recent events have also shown the tigers to be depressed about life, given how they have now been associated with Tiger Woods, Shiv Sena, Kolkata Knight Riders, Om Shanti Om etc, giving them all the more reasons to kill themselves.

When contacted about this, Ajay had no comment to make as he was busy buying new sunglasses and flower print hawai shirts for his new “Golmaal” movie, which he said was a very different and “hat-ke” role than his previous "Golmaal" movies. The reporter couldn't supress his laughter and hence, had to leave.


Viveik Oberoi blamed Salmaan Khan, yet again for the sorry state of the sheep in India. When corrected and informed that the question was about tigers, he seemed non-perturbed and maintained that be it sheep/tigers/lizards/women/global warming, Salmaan Khan has been responsible for all of it. He wanted to say more things but it got difficult for him to take his foot out of his mouth. Literally.

John Abraham gave his shocked expression, which was the same as his happy expression, which was again like his angry expression, showing his splendid acting skills and maintained that he trusts only performance that he can measure and gave the reporter a skin whitening cream and offered to give a pair of his yellow undies, clearly showing a lot of "Dostana" to him, after which the reporter had nothing more to ask him.

Lara Dutta didn’t remember ever doing a movie called "Kaal". Just like she didn’t remember when the reporter asked her about Kelly Dorjee. On further probing, Lara however did admit that the Tigers in “Kaal” were "much more sensitive" and “far more touched by humans” than the Sharks in “Blue”, after which the reporter couldn’t help but giggle like a little girl and make a hasty exit.

Esha Deol had nothing to say apart from reiterating that maybe tigers were dying from drinking impure water. Hardly had she finished saying those words when her mom and sister appeared from nowhere and offered the reporter a glass of Kent RO purified mineral water. The reporter tried to wriggle out of the situation but the Deol family i.e Dharmendra, Sunny and Bobby stood blocking the way, holding hockey sticks, in good Punjabi spirit obviously. Abhay Deol wanted to be there, but he was away shooting yet another independent, pretentious arty film which no one cares about anyway.

Shahrukh Khan took the news very seriously and instantly tweeted to his followers to stop using Tiger balm as he was of the understanding that Tigers were used to produce it. When explained the entire fiasco, he did a “Rizwan Khan” and quoted from the movie, “I’m verrrrrrrry smart.”

The reporter tried his best to get in touch with Malaika Arora about this, but she was away shooting yet another item number in some obsolete film. Arbaaz Khan offered to speak for her but the reporter, obviously having some self respect, chose not to listen.

Aamir Khan and Mahesh Bhatt had something to say about this, but since this is not the first time they’ve had something to say, even though it may have nothing to do with them and this will definitely not be the last time, the reporter promptly ignored them too.

Last but not the least, the reporter went to the producer of the film, Karan Johar and asked him how he felt about these shocking revelations. Karan sipped on his cup of coffee and said that he would remake “Kaal”, this time with Shahrukh Khan in multiple roles: as the hunter, the hunter’s love interest, the guide, the trees, the car as well as the tiger. He signed off with the parting words, “It’s all about loving your tigers.”

As you read, 17 more tigers have already committed suicide on hearing this.